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Rules That Cats Live
By
BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything.
Just sit and stare.
DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once
door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand
halfway in and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather,
rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS & RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If
you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If
there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up
so it is as long as a human's bare foot.
HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and
the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called
'helping', otherwise known as hampering'. The foIlowing
are the rules for hampering':
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left
heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand
a better chance of being stepped on and then picked
up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible
or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach
out and slap the pencil or pen.
4. For people paying bills or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards, keep in mind the aim: to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged,
watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity
proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering
them to the best of your ability. After being removed
for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers
off the table, one at a time.
5. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans
love to jump.
6. When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,
walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen
and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering the
typing in progress.
WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they
have something in their arms, in the dark, and when
they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move around.
LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter
out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of
kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours
under any circumstances. This will cause the humans
to panic (which they love) thinking that you haw run
away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will
cover you with love and kisses and you will probably
get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially
their face, turn around, and present your butt to them.
Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!
If you have a funny cat joke, story, or amusing image
you think our subscribers would enjoy, please email
it to cats@thecatconnection.com
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